Growing Your Marriage

• It is often characterised by “you” statements.
• Unlike complaints, which are about specific issues or behaviours, criticism is an attack on your spouse’s character which makes them feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. When criticism happens frequently and carries on for a long time, it can grow into contempt.
• Example of criticism: “You just make decisions without talking to me. Why are you always so selfish?”

Suggestion: Start your responses gently

• If you are unhappy about something in your relationship, express it by all means, but start your responses gently instead.
• Start your sentences with “I” instead of “you”. Express what you feel and what you need without blaming your spouse.
• Example: “I feel like I am not involved in this decision. Can we discuss this please?"

• Many people become defensive when criticised, which never helps to solve the problem.
• Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner – you are saying that “the problem isn’t me, it’s you”. As a result, the problem is not resolved, and the conflict worsens.
• Example of complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
• Example of defensiveness: “I was just too busy today. You know how busy my schedule is! Why didn’t you just do it?”

Suggestion: Accept responsibility

• Accept responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict
• Example of complaint: “Did you call your parents to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
• Example of accepting responsibility: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you to do it this morning because I knew my day would be too busy. Let me call them right now.”

• Contempt shows up in statements that come from a position of moral superiority. Some examples of contempt include sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor.
• Contempt is destructive and defeating. It is the greatest predictor of divorce, and it must be avoided.
• Example of contempt: “You’re ‘tired’? I’ve been working the whole day and attending meetings back to back. Every time I come home, you are just watching TV. Could you be any lazier?”

Suggestion: Build a culture of appreciation 

• Treat one another with respect in the relationship and express appreciation and affection often.
• If you express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner regularly, you will create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely you will feel or express contempt.
• Example: “I know that you start your day very early because you fetch the kids to school. I appreciate your effort in doing this for the kids.”

• Stonewalling happens in a discussion or an argument when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and closes themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed. It is as if they are building a wall between them and their partner.
• Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be totally unresponsive and evasive, such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.

Suggestion: Soothe yourself psychologically

• Decide with your spouse to pause the discussion for a 20-minute break. During the break, calm yourself down instead of dwelling on your negative emotions
• Example: “I am feeling too angry right now to keep talking about this. Can we take a break and come back to talk in 20 minutes? I think we can work things through more easily after I have calmed down.”